Sunday, January 23, 2011


catty. our cat. got paw caught in a trap and we amputated it. first time she used the litter box she found she couldn't bury it right, she was pissed. growled. kept trying till she figured a new sequence that worked for her. frustration a pre-human sequence. humans have capacity to decide to do things differently. frustration replaced with deep breath, sarcastic smile, something relaxing & reconcilational. anyway, to get through it one way or another, perhaps to another point of balance & grace.

keeping back & head aligned in turns, no, actually in any movement. there is always the tendency to lean into the motion and that is always the wrong thing to do. the head SHOULD stay aligned. is that right?

frustration. pit of stomach. oh no not again.


i apply quiet eyes to computer screen. the visual field includes the fingers on the keyboard, the room surrounding the screen. it is the comfort of actually seeing my hands on keyboard, i can see the keys, fingers hitting the keys, at the edge i see the mouse, the results of the mouse, i cannot yet actually read in the corners. practice with checkbox in corner. like archery. out of the focal point is hard. as soon as i noticed being in the groove it shattered & got off track. moments of smooth function then it goes clunk again and its gone.

next day. application of peripheral awareness to reading the screen & writing, say, envelopes. working on writing on the line in quiet eyes, 000, the line seen in the peripheral. i can see the hand making the letters but i don't recognize the letters in peripheral yet. can i close this window in quiet, mouse arrow in peripheral?

several days later, this is indeed a skill that can be learned. wife with an incipient carpal tunnel pre-situation, she's a 2-finger typer, right hand mouse person. i describe how i switched from right to left for mouse work years ago to distribute the work, how it takes a couple of weeks of grrr teeth grinding frusted godamit i missed it again before the change gets normalized. when will i have a chance to do that she asked. when she decides she wants to.

at the dojo an ability has developed in the warmup in which i can mirror image the demonstrated action, then i'll lose it, the sides will switch. the teachers have begun to demonstrate in the side by side, some of us seem to have a harder time with mirror image imitation. for me now its coming in little chunks, i've got it, i notice, then its gone again.

Friday, January 14, 2011

head position #2

in which apparently a new chapter in "where's my head" has begun, same as last chapter. the eyes want to drop down from 0, the head wants to go forward and lean into the seemingly oncoming reality, when the fact of the matter is that the reality is all around including "inside." the "separation" entirely illusory, maintained by membranes, necessary so that plans can be made and dreams realized.

when i pulled my neck back and tucked the chin past the endzone of current comfort into an outlandish "something wrong with your neck?" position i feel it all the way down to the pubic insertion of the quad. leg bone connected to the neck bone. the upper butt muscles wanted to tighten up, the pelvis wanted to raise its chin so to speak. head position. nitpicky. makes a difference.

so i walk around all the time just like i have a stick up my ass because the balance point i want is just behind my comfort zone. will it always be just behind? no, probably a new configuration will emerge from the discomfort, lumpy shoulderblades hanging from happy slack muscles while the head is happily way back there in the safe zone as the blade goes whistling by immediately in front of my nose.

but that stiffness in my left lower back when i would lift my left leg to put my pants on in the morning, years of it, currently in the 95% not there zone. continued signs that something is happening. scary & kool.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

instalax nano relaxation routine

pulling the garbage can while maintaining a good imitation of "martial vision" i banged a wheel against a wall, god gave me that to demonstrate that i had been thinking about paying attention to the visual edges instead of actually doing it.

later: i'm wondering how i can begin to like read, notice, focus off the center, so i'm pulling inventory & i find that for arms length reading i'm at about 1 degree off of center that i can read. maybe two. and there's speed readers who can do a page with a glance. one of the areas that this kind of sensory stuff is going towards.

so, sitting in chair: what is above me, below me, to right to left, what do i feel on my head, face, nose, mouth, front of neck, back of neck, r shoulder, l shoulder, etc. (leave nothing out), what do i hear, what do i smell, breathe in, breathe out

ok, back to work.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

head position

the way proper head position seems to be taught in aikido is to advise me that my head is (always) in front of where its supposed to me and then to hit it with a stick next time its in the wrong place. the tight spot is all the way on the bottom of the neck, that spot is accustomed to the submissive position we learn from our cultures, when i put it closer to where its supposed to be there is a deep achy discomfort there, if i hold it through several breaths the discomfort spreads laterally toward the shoulders, if i continue to hold perhaps numbness starts to spread down the arms all the way to the fingers, different on one side than the other. so if i raise my arms above my head does my neck contract and squash down like turtle trying to disappear into my chest or do i effortfully pull it up & back and out of the way, eyes level, never looking away from the everything, warrior mode?

difficults: to go into various iterations of downlow while maintaining the 0,0,0 head position, burn felt at the pubic insertion of the still weak quad, verticals still in seeking, not yet attained. long moments of static seeking for the sweet angles. the head motion sequence while holding the sword motionless. if i stick the tip into a wall corner so it can't move then i can prove to myself that the shoulders are still while the head is moving.

to not look at the ground, at the weapon in the hand, at the partner on the other side of the weapon. all raisins in the pudding. edges sliding past each other revealing other edges. ocean of edges passing in and out of continuity.

walking & the head always wants to be forward, the eyes always want to look down. if i pull the head back & put the eyes where they belong (0,0,0 or perhaps more accurately 0,0,infinity?) the shoulders want to hunch up & foward. balance simple & available evidently only while passing through, always relative to something, usually gravity i guess.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

they call, we come

that addictive bread. i avoided it for about 5 days then i had a piece. it grabbed the base of my brain immediately & i could clearly see myself getting up & going back in the kitchen for another slice. in olden days there would have been a what-the-hell moment & i would have surrendered swooning to the need & i would have conducted the ritual of self-abasement as i gave in to my shameful abandonment to dangerous pleasure. i walked to the kitchen & got something else, head over heart that time. maybe it's the rosemary, maybe the olive oil is bad, may the kind of yeast. doesn't agree with me. waaant it.

like dog sniffing around until the perfectly aged turd or cascass found & then the swooning roll in the thing, i know my human doesn't like it but i don't care, can't help myself, got to do it.

desire separated from satisfaction of desire, now its gone, where'd it go, who cares, gone, one less thing to obsess over, so many other things available.

neck feeling half way better. ice everywhere. burning hams in bendover bring dangling strings of stuff into focus. how? i want to grab my legs and squeeze the burn, i want to cover my face with my hands, i want to moan & scream, echoes of surrender explicit in the position itself, can of worms squirming, trying to get away from the burn but there's nowhere to go.

out to the store to pick her up some wine.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


today's run started with "how's my hurt neck gonna be." i immediately discovered that the sore&stiff in the neck made me want to look in the right place (0,0,0) so it was actually easier to do that i'll call it the tunnel of love. & i was soon reminded by the lump on my head to scan the heavens in the peripheral so that i noticed the big ball of ivy up in that tree that i'm sure someone's living in. then it became evident that the shoulder muscles were pulling on the neck muscles and rocking the neck joints and that was all therapeutic. so it was all good. now i'm writing this, neck still sore but also still moving.

the, uh, details of how the foot is put down. cornering: step forward against the turn, pivot, step, eyes are supposed to stay straight ahead, head 0,0,0. i would typically look down in the turn like i used to always look all the time before aikido. today the hurt neck promoted that 0,0,0 head position so i actually got a few higher quality turns today.

before i cracked my head i remember in the morning routine how there was significant improvement in leg tone over last year, various things like quad extension were getting easier to do and less of that intense burny stuff some poor lost souls confuse with "pain." then a whole new layer of sore muscles appeared under the better muscles so there is another whole chapter of stuff the legs need to do and i thought maybe i'd concentrate on the upper body this year. nope. still the legs. kneeling with full posture stretching down quad at pelvic insertion, burns right there, refers you know where. ooo. locked knee bendover, now with extra added twist to the sides, newly found muscle bundles twitch and quiver at outer upper knees, new track of burn up outside of thigh to make ache in the pocket above the hip bone.

neck still hurts.

head bump

went down in basement to check furnace filter & bumped my head on door frame on way out. neck scrunched, bit of blood on scalp. took ibu & did a bunch of head movements but its all sore & tightened up anyway. this um "forcefully" reminds me that the peripheral vision & the questions that must be asked include "what is above me." dealing with this will be interesting. better i did it to myself i guess than that i get it from falling wrong at the dojo. immediately the plans change, now this is what i have to deal with.

always trying to
escape illusion that i
know what's happening

Sunday, January 2, 2011

falling down stairs

last night i had occasion to remind myself that my left thigh bone sure seems to be 1/2" shorter than my right. no wonder like everything's always a bit off kilter, built in skew designed to promote imbalance and tendency to collapse. not going to be some minor remodeling of joint surfaces (left ankle eg). where am i going to get that correction other than from self absorbed nitpickery? yer head is 2 degrees off plumb reis, 1 degree rotated left, 1 degree tilted right, come on, get with it.

last night i saw layers in the dark. i see layers all over the place. its like waking up to a snow fall, all magic visual goes straight inside and explodes with a smile. layers. am feeling getting better at keeping the eyes still and zeroed through any kind of movement. the attention, eh, pretty good i guess, no point in saying anything positive about any of that, would just set up for the next failure in near future. but you know how it is, soon as you grab the attention there you are watching yourself grab the attention, etc. but never mind, gotta work with what there is anyway, maybe some time you get lucky, figure something out.

this year i want to work on falling down stairs: correct ways to do that. im going to start rolling & falling on hard & uneven surfaces, cramped spaces.

want tos and have tos. a life without shoulds.

they've been giving me compliments at the dojo. scary. there is this enhanced intergratedness underneath the ignorance. i found a "formula" sort of for mirror imaging the teacher in warmup, feel that starting to come for the tech demonstrations. feel justified that i repressed cortical learning of the names, recipes, etc. like slide forward, hand such, pivot, step back, etc. & concentrated on sub-basics.

starting to do rolls on hard surfaces. my rolls still have lumps in them.